In their children, parents see reflections of themselves. In their parents, children see models for themselves. To the degree that children appear to be like their parents, and parents appear how children want to be, a kind of harmony based on similarity can rule.
?We want our child to share our interests, goals, and values,? explain the parents, ?and we let him know how it pleases us when he does.? ?I want to do the same as my parents,? explains the young child, ?because we love it when I?m acting just like them.? In human relationships, when it comes to attraction and compatibility, perceived similarity can count for a lot. We tend to feel closer to others who seem like us. We tend to like those who believe and behave like us. We tend to assume other kinds of positive commonality from apparent similarities. We even tend to treat strangers better who appear similar to us. And we are often drawn to those people who we wish to be like.
Thus the psychology of similarity plays out between parents and child, a kind of matching game that can a matter a lot, particularly when a match cannot be made or is unmade ? when sense of difference creates a sense of being unlike, when sense of being unlike creates a sense of being less liked, when feeling less alike and liked reduces the desire to associate and take?pleasure?from that connection.
Sometimes a match cannot be made. For example, the second child (unlike the first who got first crack at being similar to parents) is differently inclined or constituted than parents -- perhaps he is not physically active like them, perhaps not emotionally upbeat like them, perhaps not socially outgoing like them, perhaps not academically interested like them, perhaps not achievement motivated like them. Sensing something ?wrong? with these differences, parents may try to change the child to fit their model and in doing so send a message of intolerance: ?you are not acceptable the way you are; you need to become more like us to be okay.? Instead, they must ask for help understanding what is unfamiliar and learn?to value this family diversity in order to stay lovingly connected as their relationship grows.
If the child cannot or will not bend to parental wishes and comply with their desire for similarity, parental disapproval and disappointment may follow, the child sadly or madly concluding: ?I could never measure up to be the way my parents wanted!? Hopefully, she will be able to make a healthy distinction at this point for her own sake: ?the fault wasn?t me for failing to meet their expectations; it was their failure for not building expectations that understood and were accepting of me.?
Parents should beware: it?s easy to expect similarity to them from their children; it?s easy to favor similarity to them among their children; it?s easy for their desire for similarity to suppress the expression or growth of authentic individuality in their children; it?s easy to encourage, even insist on, a child?s similarity to them where there is no natural basis there. It?s important that parents don?t allow their need for similarity to get in the way of their child?s need for acceptance. They must learn to bridge human differences with interest to communicate acceptance the adolescent needs.
This brings to mind the ?Gestalt Prayer? by Fritz Perls (?Gestalt Therapy Verbatim,? 1969):
?I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
And if by chance we find each other, it?s beautiful.
If not, it can?t be helped.?
When a similarity match is unmade, as to some degree often happens with the onset of adolescence, everybody suffers a loss: the parents no longer having a child who wants to imitate them for closeness sake, and the child no longer having parents as the model they want to imitate. Adolescence itself is the common culprit here as the child separates and asserts differentness from how she was a child, from how parents are, and from how they want her to be, all as part of the process of asserting his own individual and independent way.
For example, finding similarity to her mom offensive, the 14-year-old daughter defiantly turns on the woman and declares: ?I?m not you, I?m not like you, I don?t want to be you, and I?m not going to become how you want me to be! I?m going to be me!? The similarity that kept them so close in childhood, best friends of a kind, to some degree ruptures as adolescence starts growing them apart, creating a necessary loss for both. Now the mom has to endure more friction and hang in there with her daughter so the adolescent does not feel that loss of similarity has resulted in any loss of love.
The psychology of similarity is complicated because not only can similarity confer a sense of familiarity, commonality, comfort, and closeness, it can also create clashes and cause conflicts. For example, consider what happens when, in the dad?s words: ?My high school daughter and I are too alike.? What does he mean? ?We?re both high strung, easily stressed, on edge a lot, too sensitive for our own good, and too quick off the trigger when we get upset, sometimes popping off and saying what we wish we hadn?t but can?t take back now. My wife is great with our daughter because she?s low key and calm and can listen when our daughter is blowing up a storm. Not like me. Unless I catch myself, I immediately start storming back, and we go at each other gale force!?
This is when I talk to the dad about exploiting the similarity connection with his daughter to positive effect. ?Since you both seem to share a lot of human nature, you can use that similarity to instructional effect. Tell her how you?ve learned to manage high sensitivity and emotional reactivity over the years, the strategies for self-restraint that you?ve developed, and then for the sake of your present and her future practice not popping off with her when she?s intense. From your emotionally sober example maybe she can learn to moderate herself.?
One family example that illustrates how extreme psychological similarity can create extreme intimacy?is the case of adolescent identical twins. Sharing the same genes, they often develop a closeness with each other that is not only greater than with anyone else in the family, but to a degree can emotionally exclude others in the family as well. They have a special knowing of each other and need for each other to complete each other, to some degree sharing the same personality, even communicating in a kind of shorthand or special language that other family members do not understand. And, should they eventually marry, their partners are going to have to accept and value the deep bonding that the twins will always have with each other from the extreme psychological similarity they share.
Finally, a reader of my earlier blog about Parental Favorism testified to how destructive the psychology of similarity can become. "My own experience has taught me that the favoured child is generally the one most akin to the parent responsible for the favouring. The two will share personality traits, likes and dislikes, hobbies and interests. They may also demonstrate a similarity in behaviour and mannerisms, or in physical appearance and dress sense. Sometimes, the simple fact of their being the same gender will be enough to secure favouritism.
"The parent responsible for such favouritism may act consciously or unconsciously. However, what seems to lead to the favouritism is that they identified in the favourite child traits or interests that they themselves possess. Clearly, they will view such things as desirable attributes, and thus will encourage, and bond with the child who displays them.
"Less favoured children will often be ones who do not 'gel' with the parent in this way. They will have traits, personalities or attributes that are unlike those of the parent; these will be viewed in a negative light, as less desirable and not to be encouraged. The parents may see a child who is dissimilar to them as a challenge, or even a threat. They may view such individuality as unexpected, or inexplicable. They may even label it as deliberate, rebellious, or as an affront to their authority.
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ARC Squadron (iPhone, iPod touch, iPad free limited time only) ARC Squadron is a rail shooter game that combines the retro experience of playing an old Nintendo 64 console game with state-of-the-art graphics geared specifically to touchscreen devices. Powered by the Unreal Engine 3 development toolkit, ARC Squadron has players try their hands (and fingers) in intergalactic warfare. Each area of the galaxy involves a handful of levels with bonus challenge levels along the way, culminating in an epic boss fight. ARC Squadron is very arcade in nature, as scores in each level directly translate into currency that lets players upgrade and purchase new ships, weapons, and skins. Somehow ARC Squadron manages to ape the gameplay of classic console titles like Star Fox 64, yet feel fresh in a mobile media environment. 
Angry Birds Star Wars (iPhone, iPod touch 99 cents, iPad $2.99, Android smartphones free, Android tablets $2.99) Star Wars merchandising, both before and after the Disney acquisition, has never felt so good. The newest edition to the Angry Birds family is just plain awesome. Old birds are re-dressed as Luke, Han, Obi-Wan, Chewie, and the rest. The birds also get all new powers, including shooting blasters and swinging light sabers. The game is a brilliant mix of the old school Angry Birds mechanics and the gravity mechanics of Angry Birds Space (also a worthy addition to any "best of 2012" list). Add all the Star Wars references and visuals (from the original trilogy, only) and you have a game that is out of this world. 
Rayman Jungle Run (iPhone, iPod touch, iPad, Android $2.99) Apple named this?Ubisoft title the 2012 game of the year, and for good reason. Many of us were totally praising this game before it was cool. Based on the utterly brilliant Rayman: Origins (a console-based platformer to rival even Mario), this auto-scrolling runner manages to keep all the creativity and bizarre charm of its predecessor, but with bite-sized levels and half of the controls removed. Seriously though, Ubisoft stripped Origins' down to its core for this simple game, but it's just as fun and the visuals are just as jaw-droppingly crisp and vibrant as ever. It's a bit more challenging than other runners, but do not skip this one. 
LetterPress Word Game (iPhone, iPad free) Move over, Words With Friends. Developed by atebits, Letterpress is an inventive multiplayer word game that mixes the strategies of Boggle and Chess. The virtual board of this game is covered in red and blue tiles, each representing you or your opponent. The objective is pretty basic: change as many tiles as possible to match your color while spelling words. Games end when tiles run out. It helps to both have a high letter count and know when to play defensively, blocking off letters by placing your tiles around them. LetterPress supports asynchronous multiplayer through Game Center, so you can face off against as many players as you desire from all over the world at the same time. 
Beat Sneak Bandit (iPhone, iPod touch, iPad $2.99) Beat Sneak Bandit elegantly combines rhythm games (in which players tap along to the beat of the music playing in the game), with puzzle gameplay and stealth action. You'll need to tap to the beat to make the Beat Sneak Bandit character take his sneaky steps, and time your way through the game's obstacles and traps. The game is really a clever take on touchscreen games, has a great art style and musical selection, and is easy to play while challenging to master. 
Punch Quest (iPhone, iPod touch, iPad) (Free) Punch Quest is an impressive side-scrolling, endless running game where the main objective is to meet monstrous obstacles head-on with a barrage of uppercuts and jabs. Enemies include feeble skeletons, shield-wielding orcs, fire-breathing imps, and spellcasting wraiths. During the game your fully-customizable protagonist collects coins called "punchos" for buying skills, super moves, boosts, and upgrades. There are even bonus levels where your warrior rides a dinosaur that shoots lasers out of its mouth or transforms into a cartwheeling gnome! RocketCat Games, one of the most reliably talented and awesome developers in the iOS gaming space, are is responsible for the Hook Champ games and the excellent Mage Gauntlet. 
Real Boxing?(iPhone, iPod touch, iPad, iPad mini) $4.99 Real Boxing, developed by Vivid Games, delivers a one-two punch of well-designed gesture controls for a touchscreen combined with beautiful, console-quality graphics. Your device's camera catches punch gestures using the V-Motion Gesture Control System. The game features a surprisingly effective Career Mode, where you develop, train, and customize your prizefighter. You'll be hard-pressed to find flaws with this game as you build up your fighter and even take him online into real-time multiplayer fights over Game Center. 
Jetpack Joyride?(Android) Free Jetpack Joyride, released by Halfbrick Studios on Android in September, is the endless running game closest to perfection. Although it launched and rocketed to the top of the charts on iOS in 2011, the game's presence in the Android Market was substantial. In Jetpack Joyride you play as the fiery and uber-manly Barry Steakfries who swipes a top-secret machine gun-powered jetpack from a laboratory only to be met by thousands of obstacles including electric pillars, rockets, and terrified scientists. Your goal is to collect coins and get as far as you can before dying. The game has an exceptional sense of humor and an impressive array of interchangeable costumes, jetpacks, power-ups, and vehicles. What sets Jetpack Joyride apart is that behind its simple formula, there's a hugely addictive mission/challenge system which pushes you to play again and again. The difficulty and learning curve are set perfectly so even casual gamers will never feel overwhelmed. 
The Room (iPad, iPad mini) $1.99 With The Room, Fireproof Games delivered the most intriguing puzzle game of the year. Mind-bending puzzles, a surreal atmosphere, and delectable 3D graphics in stunning HD quality make The Room a necessary app for every gamer who owns an iPad 2 or higher. The game works ostensibly as a mystery that you solve using a single finger control scheme through puzzles contained within ornate boxes. It is definitely the most realistic looking game released in 2012, even more so than titles from the Zen Bound series. The Room was designed to be a pick up and play game, and although it is rated 9+ for Infrequent Horror/Fear Themes, it is the sort of game you can play with your family if they're cool enough and can handle the suspense. 
